i think i have two assholes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
