This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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