cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
