There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
