How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
