this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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