Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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