I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
