I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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