I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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