Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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