When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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