I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
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I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
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I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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