My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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