I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Houston, we have a squirter
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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