Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
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