I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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