How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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