she kept yelling 'call me bella'
sarcasm needs its own font
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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