"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
