Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
