note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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