i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
