one word: firstdatebathroomanal
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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