I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
