my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
