Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
