I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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