Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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