It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
