Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
