Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
