Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I lost the right to judge tonight
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
