I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
