she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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