It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
two words...techno handjob
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
