brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
