i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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