I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
