Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
honey bunches of taint.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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