i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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