I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
