I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I need a beard to bite.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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