God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
