You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
