I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
