i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
