My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
