dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
