Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
