My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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