What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
