She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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