I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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