My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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