I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Everclear isn't food dammit
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
