Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
