Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
