Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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